Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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