The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so let's talk penis.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My breasts were aching with rage.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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