I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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