yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
