I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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