no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
