CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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