two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
