So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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