why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
