I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my shit smells like andre
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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