if only i could text you this smell
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
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my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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