If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
