I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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