Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
