New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
