How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
