i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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