If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
