You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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