Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
