Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
