I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Bring me that man meat
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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