Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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How external is "for external use only"?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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