Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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