you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
