Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
