Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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