I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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