We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
