I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.