I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
