I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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