I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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