Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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