so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
