i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
