Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
