Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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