my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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