She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
