So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet