Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.