moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
