turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
