my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I could fuck to npr.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
