Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
