I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
did i walk over a car last night?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
