dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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