He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we're making bets on your personal life
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
