Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
