I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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