Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
