I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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