dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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