You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
