one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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