from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
